What does it mean to hold space?
In our work, we frequently talk about “holding space.” Holding space for what needs to be said, holding space for emotion, or just plain holding space for someone to be in the moment. We’ve often had folks ask in our trainings, what does it mean to hold space?
When someone is in a space of distress or crisis, or maybe is just having a day, holding space can be life saving and life changing. When I think of holding space, the following thoughts come to mind.
Be nonjudgmental. Drop the judgments, the black and white. Think about how you can come to the space with an open mind and heart. One of my favorite Unitarian Universalist ministers talked about approaching conversations with an open hand.
Just be with them where they are. We are human BEings not human doings, and just being with someone in a time of challenge can be the most powerful gift. Rarely anything we can do or say is going to change the situation or feelings the person is experiencing. I can totally raise my hand to say that I’ve often been caught in the “doing” and thinking about the five great resources I can offer someone. But is that what they want/need in the moment? Maybe, maybe not. When I’m focused on what to say next or what to do, I’ve probably stopped listening.
Don’t try to “fix” it. Again, totally raising my hand here! It’s so hard when someone comes to me with a challenge (I’m especially thinking about this in parenting), and I jump into fix it mode. Often this fixing is happening out of my own discomfort. Maybe I’m uncomfortable with what I’m feeling, or witnessing the big feelings of others and fixing is a way to avoid my discomfort. When I move into fix it mode, I’ve taken away some of the autonomy and choice of the other person. I start making decisions for them in what they want/need. Brave connection requires us to ask what the person wants/needs and examine our own emotions in the moment. I find it helpful to just name that when my instinct is to jump into fix it mode. When we move into fix (without collaborating), we’re also implicitly telling the person they’re not capable. No one is broken, so no one needs to be fixed.
Be present. Listen actively and deeply. When we are fully present, in the moment, we can tune into both what the person is sharing and what might be unsaid. When we listen with our whole selves, our ears, hearts, and emotional body, we give a gift that’s not found in many space. In this busy (and noisy) world, it’s not often that we really tune in, to ourselves and to others. Holding space invites us to be fully present and listen. I often find I can be quiet with my mouth, it’s much harder to quiet the thoughts that come as I’m listening. Deep listening asks us to set aside what I call my “hamster wheel” of thoughts and be fully present for the other person. It’s hard and we don’t get much training on how to listen. This comes with practice - and also recognizing that you are human and have thoughts and emotions of your own that jump in the way.
Trust the process. When we hold space for someone to be seen and heard, just as they are, something opens. The only way I can describe this is the magic of connection. When we trust in the process of connection, new life emerges. This means trusting the process in the moment of connection, but also leaning into trusting the process of the person we’re supporting.
Holding space is a powerful gift we can give ourselves and others. Slowing down to really listen, setting aside our judgments, and trusting the process leads to empowerment and revitalization. Your holding space gives others the permission to do the same. Imagine a world where we all found the space we needed and where we felt held, just as we are.
